FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES by Stanley Lieber

FOR ALL INTENSIVE PURPOSES

by Stanley Lieber

1

1884.

“I feel somewhat responsible for this rash of crazy people who believe their actions have some sort of unexplained influence on world events.”

The President loosened his belt and sunk into his chair.

Undeterred, Venn commenced his presentation.

“You’ve heard of trophy wives, now meet t-shirt wives!”

Venn activated his projector.

“A cheaper alternative to conventional munitions, the t-shirt wife
exhibits a massive effect on foreign markets without putting an undue strain on the treasury.”

“So, the wife is actually printed on the t-shirt, instead of being
conveyed at great expense from locale to locale.”

“Right you are, Mr. President!”

The President rested his chin on his hand.

“Fine. Sounds good. But can you sell it to Congress?”

“Sir… For all intensive purposes… Uh… This project originated in
Senate sub-committee.”

The President paused, peering over his spectacles.

“Unconvincing argument. Get out of my office.”

2

Tao Lin looked over his prepared statements. A final pass before
taking his place behind the podium. The language was okay. No
inadvertent revelations.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the press,” he began.

“What, no air quotes?” asked Helen Thomas, baring her characteristic sneer.

Tao allowed the Press Corps a brief laugh.

“We’re not going to discuss that this morning.”

“What does the President have to say about the ongoing violence
between fringe religious groups such as the Blanks and off-duty
representatives of Harpo Productions?”

Tao covered his microphone, briefly. Conferred with counsel.

“Um, we’re not going to discuss that this morning, either.”

“Can you comment on the President’s opinion of your last book?”

“Again, let’s move on to the topics outlined in the agenda binder.”

“Wow,” Mrs. Thomas muttered under her breath, but still loud enough to be picked up by the telescreen microphones, “They were right about this guy. Inscrutable. A tough nut to crack.”

The President, observing from remote, gave her the finger.

Sarcasm, he believed, was a poison.

3

“It’s a cutting edge no-brainer. The Livejournal music scene in 2006 is swimming with raw talent.”

“I’m not going to commit a trillion dollars to a loosely organized
group of amateur musicians, one hundred and twenty years in my
future!”

“What do you care? The bonds won’t come due until you’re almost dead. These stupid Russians will never…”

“But we’ve already been through this once. Back in the ’90s. With
Bowie. I won’t go down that road again.”

“This time it’s different. Plinth can’t get a hold of these copyrights. All of the music has been licensed under Creative Commons Attribution Share-Alike.”

“Harrumph. The license is viral. I don’t like it.”

“Relax. If the time comes and you find the situation intractable, you
can always change the laws.”

“True.”

And then:

“This may actually work.”

4

Tao Lin fed the DVD into his Macbook. His blender application was
already configured. The trackpad kept cutting out. He punched the
screen.

5

2007.

Oliver Stone decided not to make the film.

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